Authoritative vs. Nurturant Religion (and everything else)
A Re-Broadcast of My Pivotal Chat with John Sanders
Just in time for all those holiday family dynamics awaiting you this week, we’re rebroadcasting one of the episodes people most bring up to me in person: nurturant vs. authoritative approaches to religion (and everything else) featuring theologian and author John Sanders.
John outlines two primary approaches to religion, parenting, and authority in general: the authoritative and nurturant models. The authoritative model, which dominates white evangelicalism, emphasizes rigid rule-following, absolute certainty, and conditional acceptance. It’s like a fortress, where the goal is to figure everything out, defend those positions, and require strict adherence to the rules. Think of that person who says "I figured out the truth at 17 and haven't changed since." The message is clear: follow these rules, believe these exact things, and then (and only then) will you be accepted (or saved!).
In contrast, the nurturant model approaches faith more like a pilgrimage. It maintains high expectations but combines them with high acceptance — kind of like how good therapy works. You're accepted as you are, but that acceptance becomes the foundation for growth and transformation.
What really blew my mind was realizing how this framework reshapes our understanding of spiritual abuse. In my research on religious trauma, I've typically focused on leaders with narcissistic tendencies who use religion as a tool for control. But during our conversation, I had the "aha moment" that there's a whole other category of spiritual abuse that can emerge naturally from authoritative systems, even with well-meaning leaders.
Think about it: if you have a religious system that says "God only accepts you if you follow these exact rules" or "questioning these beliefs means you're undermining authority," you're going to get controlling and potentially abusive dynamics even without a narcissistic leader. It's built into the structure itself. The system demands certainty and compliance in a way that can damage people spiritually and emotionally, regardless of the intentions of the people in charge.
This distinction helps explain why some religious communities can feel oppressive and damaging even when they're led by people who genuinely believe they're doing the right thing. The authoritative model itself, with its emphasis on conditional acceptance and absolute certainty, creates an environment where spiritual abuse can flourish almost automatically.
The more John and I unpacked this, the more I saw how this pattern plays out not just in churches, but in families, schools, and even political movements. It's like a lens that, once you have it, helps you see these dynamics everywhere they appear.
If you missed this one, definitely check it out—and if you’ve already heard it, it’s worth a re-listen!
P.S. Happy Holidays!
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